Pimps Up. Parrots Down

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I saw a picture of my buddy's daughter getting ready for 'Pirate Day' at her school. She had an eye patch and a hook crafted out of a silver pipe cleaner. The caption read:

“I've never met a prettier one eyed 8 year old with a hook for a hand in my entire life!”

I'm sure that's a true statement. Aside from being a doting dad, he's never been to a brothel in Southeast Asia.

I'm not sure at what point in our lives pirates became so kid-friendly. Could it be that Robert (or was it Parker? One of 'em's a Hardy Boy, I think) Louis Stevenson guy? Last I remember, pirates lived on a floating terrorist colony, looting ships, raping and killing along the way. Apparently all is forgotten. I waited the entire movie to see Johnny Depp give Keira Knightley a good jolly rogering when they were stranded on the island with nothing but rum and boredom to entertain them. Sadly, the only people that got fucked were the ones paying to see the sequels.

Pimps enjoy a similar historical ignorance. The word 'pimp' is a compliment now. MTV would never have the balls to put out a show called RAPE, EXPLOIT, BEAT, AND HOOK MY RIDE ON SMACK TO KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL. But every week, some scrawny crackerbread from the 'burbs was dancing around his new booger green whip, thanking Xzibit and the mechanics (heavily subsidized by the cable company judging from the amount of televisions they attach to every open surface) for pimping his ride.

I'd like to see Captain Alligator Shirt ante up his mother for the show. Jump for joy when they pull back the tarp to reveal the fellas at West Coast Customs stuffing an eighteen inch bass cannon up his mom's ass. Upholstering her saggy tits with a bright orange shag carpet. Don't forget the added neon adorned cum bubbler feature to make her head look like the funnest glass of milk at your next orgy.

Maybe it's the language. The patois. Kinda fun to talk like a pimp or a pirate. Both are notorious for ignoring grammar as a whole. Pirates like parrots. Pimps like to dress up like parrots. Both wear funny hats. Pirates have hooks for hands. Pimps have hookers on-hand. Both are suckers for shiny objects. And both are in the booty business.

So where's Disney on this trendy untapped market? If Walt were still alive (or at least more than his head), we'd already be familiar with Jezebel, the talking goat, constantly exploited by her step daddy to turn tricks in WhateverEver Land. But one day, she's gonna be the best singer anyone's ever seen. You can see the passion in her square eyes.

Or how about a theme park ride with mechanical Sleeping Beauty, Mulan, and Cinderella going around in circles on the ho track. Hiking up their skirts, showing their goods to the whole family as they ride by in a pink fiberglass Lincoln while listening to the soothing island drums and mice in floppy hats droning on about being “a motherfuckin' P-I-M-P”. It's a small world after all, playa.