Job Placement: Do you like zombie movies, Billy?

    Zombies are more popular than ever. Movies. Comic books. Television shows based on comic books. Zombies are so hot that someone even tried to mix the blood of the undead with Jane Austen. While I admire the effort, I read Pride and Prejudice once. Unless we're talking about the hip-hop version of 'getting brains', my interest remains unpiqued.  I can't even guarantee that a rampant amount of blowjobs could make me turn a single page unless you threatened to flunk me in English. Knowing what I know now, you can keep the fucking book. I'll get my GED instead.
    Let's say you LOVE zombies. More than anything. Certainly more than your job down at the office park where you try to black out.  Go to that special place in your mind once reserved for horrific sexual assaults or bad Jennifer Lopez movies to escape the misery. You need a new occupation.

   
Ever thought about working in a nursing home or senior center? Old people are kind of like the living dead. They certainly smell like them. Sure, they eat butterscotch pudding for every dessert and become unruly if they miss franks and beans Friday, but other than that, they're pretty similar. Elderly people wander around in a daze, blabber incoherently, don't recognize family members, and will only die if you cut off their heads (or their blood pressure medication).
    Perhaps you're saying to yourself, "Yes, it all sounds grand, but I hate the smell of pee. Have you anything more...exciting?"
    The answer, my friend, is a resounding YES. When the only danger is tripping on an oxygen tube or walking in on two fossils fucking (I imagine it's like watching elephant ears on a rubber sheet slap against each other in a wheezing, liver-spotted moist lump), I understand if you need something more to get the adrenaline pumping.

    Loony bins are full to the brim with mindlessly furious nutjobs itching for the chance to wiggle out of their restraints, spit out their bite guards, and tear you into confetti. Romero's zombies they most certainly ARE NOT. We're talking about those fast moving 28 DAYS LATER sumbitches. While a bite from the afflicted may not infect you with cuckoo, it WILL guarantee you get a hepatitis shot. Gonna have to use your imagination on that one. Pretend the zombification attacks your liver function or something. Certainly better than what would happen if you read Emma. Trust me. It's ugly.